Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Rules changed on me!

After almost three years of singledom, I've gotten quite good at dating. At least in the United States. But I'm quickly learning that in France, all of The Rules are different.

Yes, you still meet people in bars, swap phone numbers and go out on dates. BUT...then, everything changes. In the United States, at least in my experience, you can date a guy for a long time without being In A Relationship. In fact, in order to be in a Relationship, you have to have a specific conversation that goes like this:

"So, let's talk about Us. What are you thinking?"
"Well, we have a fun time together. I like hanging out with you."
"Ok, well I really like you too. Do you want to be my Boyfriend?? And not date anyone else?"
"Sure."
"Ok cool."

Yes, it is often that eloquent. No, we don't really say 'Do you want to be my Boyfriend", but you get the idea. You have to be That Explicit. Otherwise (in my experience), it is assumed that you are Just Dating, and therefore, can still be seeing other people at the same time.

However, apparently in France, you can go out once, maybe twice, but if you act like a couple (whatever this means), and especially if you kiss (not the polite cheek kiss but an actual Kiss), then you are Together. And that's it. You're a couple. No discussion. No angsting about "will he think I'm being too obsessive about wanting to commit??". Nada. You're just Together.

This is fine. In fact, both of these paradigms are Just Fine ... but they require different behaviors. I think I need to switch from the All You Can Eat buffet mentality to a "choose very carefully because you only get one scoop of ice cream" mentality. Other Americans out there - have you experienced this too?

4 comments:

Lauren said...

oh my gosh! i had a boyfriend for 2 weeks and didn't know it until he gave me a rose for Valentine's day! the rules are different and you have to know them to know what you're getting into.

Starman said...

You should read The Bold Soul.

Anonymous said...

My guyfriend and I were just sitting here reading your blog entry and I laughed and said, isn't that crazy?? And he demanded, pourquoi?? He said it's the expectation that he has, as well...if you share a kiss that's not the usual exchange airkiss pleasantry, then yes, he expects that he's now in a "couple" with the woman in question...wow.

Amanda said...

At least it's not just me who is encountering this! But as to how I am going to adapt to this new system I have no idea...